5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
All excellent questions
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?