shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You Might Also Like
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
saving face 👀
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?