Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.