waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.