ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
So inspired right now.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.