Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.