I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
You Might Also Like
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Follow me for more recipes
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to