#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
subtitles are so good nowadays
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO