Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
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doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.