detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.