It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.