Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
You Might Also Like
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Jurassic park gets weird
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you