I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.