My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Husband of the year 😂
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Air pods looking like an angry frog
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute