FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Hank is one in a melon.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula