Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
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HEYYYY MACARENA