Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar