I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
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New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I hope this email finds you in a well
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Monday Lisa
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no