I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Perfection.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[loses house key, starts a new life]
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.