Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
You Might Also Like
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
all bases covered
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.