Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
How actors in movies eat their food
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
my dog when i have a friend over
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Succinctly put.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
When a shoelace touches your ankle