My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
You Might Also Like
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I’m just playing devils avocado here
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.