People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My therapist after every session
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.