My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Not😆🤣
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.