Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
😩😩😩
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Flock of bats
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.