Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.