Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?