“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?