If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My inexpensive home security system…
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.