Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
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when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
satan: not today, microsoft teams
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*