Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.