[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Social Media and Real life
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?