Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Pot warmers of the day.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.