If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
😎 🍻
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah