The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.