I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
You Might Also Like
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread