Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.