Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”