*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to