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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
This guy’s not having it 😆
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Very problematic
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.