My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The answer is funnier than the question
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.