They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
bias laundering edition
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.