I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.