Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Please do it!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.