Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately