Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”