Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
You Might Also Like
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB