The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
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4.
5.
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10. He is a cat.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW