the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
What?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough