Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???